Fellas, Gillette It Go Already

Hey dudes. This time I mean man-dudes, not the non-gender specific dudes. Sure, I won’t tell women not to read this, but if you are a lady-dude, this really isn’t meant for you.

(But when does that stop you from jumping in, am I right fellas?.....Heyooooo.)

Seems the Gillette commercial has really set some of you off. Not surprised, seems a lot of nonsense sets you off. Everything in this crazy #metoo/women-don’t-like-being-sexual-assaulted era appears to be an attack straight for our balls these days. Tough times. So, the Gillette ad seems an attack on your idea of “Traditional Masculinity,” and I can understand how that might upset you.

As this has been an overarching argument by some men the past few years, I decided to write this article to settle your sacks, not upset you. But if you are “one of them” it probably won’t matter. Before we get too deep into it, Gillette is a company and wants to make money. Companies will simply lick their finger and stick it in air to see which way the wind is blowing. And sorry for you, the wind is whistling the words 'Don’t be an asshole.'

I don’t like companies trying to impart morals any more than you do. Companies hire psychologists to try to make you feel ‘less than’ to make you want to buy their trash all the time. They try to create self-doubt, then provide a product that might fill the void we didn’t know we had before seeing the ad. So this isn’t new.

But “Best a Man Can Get”? That’s a lie anyway. The best a man can get is a black belt in Karate and a cool motorcycle. Everyone knows that. Also, keep in mind a lot of women buy Gillette to shave their pits and bits. Is nothing sacred anymore?

An olive branch.

I understand the world of online feminism can be annoying sometimes. I live on earth as well. I do stand-up and thusly hang out with many stand-ups. Not long ago I was commenting below one of the millions of articles about how much harder things are for women in stand-up and it is not fair, and men are terrible. The woman I was communicating with on this particular occasion, we will call her Rhonda, is a comic who is well known for doing a “no call/no show” to spots. I’ve personally witnessed Rhonda getting, and being, completely shit hammered on stage on several occasions. I politely mentioned on the post that there might be more to her lack of success than sexism in the industry. I then enjoyed a group of women online telling me my opinion, and myself, are “Toxic.” Basically, saying I have a mental problem. That doesn’t feel very nice. I think Rhonda and her friends were being counterproductive to their own cause. I do believe there is a great deal of sexism in the industry, I just don’t believe that is the main source of Rhonda’s problems. But it was made clear to me that my opinion on Rhonda was only ok if a group of women gave it to me. Sexism can exist and without correlation, Rhonda can also be a turd. There is grey in the world, but both can be true.

Similarly, I have a friend we can call Rhondo, who continually complains about racism being the driving factor on his economic situation. I offered Rhondo some work on a construction project. He is a dear friend but probably the worst employee I have ever had; showed up an hour late, played on his phone and wanted to talk about everything but the work we were doing. I believe that systemic racism has contributed greatly to the wealth-divide among black and white Americans, but Rhondo is broke mainly because he is allergic to working. Try telling him that.

If you are a 40 year old American man and a young dude just in from Guatemala with no skills or English can replace you, maybe you should have worked harder in life? Is it ok for companies to exploit people? I do not believe so. But grow up and see what you did to make it so easy for them.

However, I believe you cannot disregard a well-researched message because of a few turds who adopt that research as an out to make themselves feel better. So, I can sort of see how you might find the modern discourse off-putting. Is that ok for meeting you in the middle?

Yet in the online world of the incels/Proud Boys/Joe Rogan loving/affliction shirt wearing dude bros their seems to be a lot of misinformation designed as a warm blanket to cover up one’s short comings.

The Biggest Men’s Right Lie: Feminists and #metoo are making it impossible to date.

No. No it’s not. Women still enjoy dick. Women never wanted whiney men who complain about not being able to get laid. Hop in a DeLorean and try to find a time where women enjoyed sexual assault, or over aggressive douche bags who cannot communicate. Or women turned on by violence. Pepe La Pew may have been acceptable as a kid’s cartoon for decades, but remember that lady cat never wanted to fuck La Pew. She just did not have a social media account to be able to #metoo Pepe.

Ask your mom, or your grandmother if they enjoyed assholes, guys who constantly complained that they can’t get sex, or being grabbed without permission. If they say yes, then your mom/grandmother is freaky. Which is cool I guess.

Women have to worry about getting killed and what not, on dates or even just walking home in the dark. That’s a real downer. If you are like one of those incel clowns, you are probably giving off a vibe, and not a sexy one. Would you want to date you?

2nd Biggest Lie: We have to worry about getting falsely accused.

Sorry not sorry to make it weird, but Brock Turner is a real person. A real convicted rapist who got 10 minutes in prison. He was not falsely accused and walked. So don’t worry too much yet. Of all the celebrities accused of sexual harassment or assault, most if not all have admitted their guilt. Most if not all have done zero jail time. Can someone falsely accuse someone? Sure. But who really needs to worry more?

The 3rd Biggest Lie: Feminism is destroying real men.

No. You likely never were a real man or even know what one is. Before you accuse me of being a buttermilk-soy-boy-bitch I’m probably more of a man than you. I’m so masculine I even poop standing up. I grew up in the country, am a military veteran, own my own construction business, know a few things about guns and am as hairy as a Russian bear. I have never met a woman disgusted by any of those “masculine” things. In fact, I have had even rabid, foaming at the mouth feminists, who wanted to get involved. All things being equal, do you really think women want to fuck a poet, or a guy who can build them a new bathroom afterwards? The women not interested in me had nothing to do with me being TOO masculine. That’s dumb.

Joe Rogan often points to the eras of real men. Like the 1980s-action hero era. Well those films were very “masculine,” that is true. They were filled with oiled up muscles punching the faces of men with equally oiled up bodies. Very straight. If you took a small step back, and really looked at all the hyper-masculine genres of any art form, you’d see they are all pretty homoerotic (don’t shoot the messenger). For the most part, those films were not of interest to women. In the 80s (and decades after), men like Prince were sex symbols to women. Do you think Prince is “traditionally masculine” in his skin-tight velvet purple body suits, lip gloss and thick eye liner?

Liberace was a sex symbol, beloved by women from the 40s until the 80s. He would swish on to a stage in a sparkling, studded white suit with a cape, play his ballads under a candlelit chandelier. He was objectively FLAMING through the decades. Women wanted to smash him.

Prince and Liberace (Liberace, who had no use for it) had body guards to keep the pussy away. Tell me more about this era of “Real Men.” The only people who were into those “Real Men” are men. This is not a new phenomenon. Maybe man-up and realize, you can be into things and not expect them to make you popular with women. Maybe just do them because you enjoy them and try not be an asshole. Then just maybe, women will like you despite these stupid things you like. Just as you might have to like a woman despite the stupid things she likes.

If you want to be a man try not being so soft.

Women can’t overpower you, but they can fuck with you if you let them, and clearly you do. A lot. It’s called the shame game. In order for it to work they have to have a point. There is nothing more annoying than a woman when she is right.

Prohibition of alcohol in the United States was caused by women (steady, this is related). That movement was the great grandma to the modern feminist movement. Turn of the 20th century, strong whiskey was still fairly new to masses, men really liked drinking whiskey and beating their wives. They also raped them. Nether was a crime, you just couldn’t kill her. Since women couldn’t go to the law to stop the whole beating thing, they went after the booze. Sounds dumb, but it’s understandable since their husbands weren’t beating the shit out of them when they were sober. A big tactic of the Temperance movement was to kneel outside bars and pray loudly - a real bummer for dudes trying to get hammered.

Some dudes in Dayton, Ohio poured their beer on the praying women and it became national news. The Shame Game was strong. Were all drinkers wife beaters? Certainly not. But neither were men saying, “hey, be safe getting home, and don’t beat your wife.”

Largely because men were not able to address the whole beating (and raping) their wife deal, everyone lost their legal access booze.

SOME women calling you toxic is annoying, but it might be because you are. Some might be because those women are dicks (there are a lot of Rhondas). But if that short commercial upset you, maybe have a think why. Being called ‘Toxic’ should not trigger you if you are not toxic.

Asking men to evolve is not a message that should be viewed as an attack on what a man is. Being a man ideally should be about being accountable for your actions. But that’s just my opinion.

But really, I don’t even shave. I’ve a beautiful beard. The best a man can get.